Just when you thought MTN DEW couldn’t get any more physically debilitating — or when you thought you couldn’t get any more jacked up on it — the Boston Beer Co. intervened.
On August 10, the brand that brings you Samuel Adams, Truly, Dogfish Head, and more joined forces with PepsiCo to dredge something out of the very bottom of “terrible idea” sludge. If you’ve spent years craving a way to not slop Jagermeister everywhere while trying to pour it into your 20-ounce Mountain Dew after rampaging through yet another hollow-core door, get ready, my tribal-tatted friend: HARD MTN DEW is here.
We’re not sure whether the brands are serious or ironic when they issue this quote to commemorate the release, but here it is:
As recognized leaders in the alcohol and non-alcoholic industries, both Boston Beer and PepsiCo understand the importance of delivering new, break-through innovations to address the changing tastes of drinkers.
Oh, your tastes are about to change, alright. Didn’t think you liked Incubus and 4chan? Get a can of HARD MTN DEW coursing through your veins, and then come talk to us.
One of a Kind: The HARD MTN DEW Flavored Malt Beverage Story
“MTN DEW, a one of a kind multi-billion dollar brand, will deliver the excitement and refreshment that drinkers know and love,” said Dave Burwick, Boston Beer’s CEO.
The finished product will deliver it in three “exciting, refreshing” flavors, including black cherry, watermelon, and of course, DEW.
Our recommendations? Drink black cherry if you’re a goth, gamer, or yearn for the days when you were under 18. Then again, if you’re a goth or a, doesn’t that mean you’re also a teenager? Maybe just don’t drink black cherry.
Watermelon is for lovers, namely, ski boat owners named Chad who blast 311 at the lake or anyone wearing a puka shell necklace. French tipped nails are also strongly recommended.
That leaves us with HARD MTN DEW classic — obviously the best of them all. I can’t wait to show up at my first rave when COVID’s finally over (errr…) with two 9-packs of HARD MTN DEW classic, sagging plaid shorts, FUBU wristbands, and a flipped-upside-down visor. “Back to normal?” I don’t think so, brochacho — we left normal behind when we opened the cooler door to the malt liquor.
Ok, we can see one obvious drawback to HARD MTN DEW: it’s only 5% ABV! So realistically, you’re probably still gonna have to pour Jager into it to get from A to Blasted.
The pedestrian ABV does come as a bitter pill, especially in light of a trend in the Twitterverse that’s got people harkening back to their Four Loko days. (The post erroneously puts the ABV at 9%.)
PepsiCo and Boston Beer to create alcoholic Mountain Dew drink https://t.co/A6tcPYDJBg
— CNBC (@CNBC) August 10, 2021
Still, it’s knockout funny. Blake Hammond, @BigRadMachine, comments, “Four Loko is how you made your kids. Hard Mountain Dew is how you lose custody.”
Amen, Rad Machine. As if I needed another excuse. In fact, I’d skip work for the day and get tanked on HARD MTN DEW right now if I could get my hands on some. Unfortunately, it’s not out until 2022.